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Trombones13
03-31-2008, 04:53 PM
Chapter 2: The Magnus Mystery

Cheers and applause rang through Andy's ears. "We're on our way to be the Great Race champions!" she said with determination.
"Vibrava-brava!" her Pokemon chirped. It was just as excited as Andy was.
Andy and Vibrava were toward the front of a large group, but a certain few trainers caught her eye. A tall teenage boy zoomed by, his Tropius riding the air current with ease. A red-haired girl smirked at Andy as her Pidgeot rose higher into the clear blue sky. An edgy man and his Gallade bounded up next to her, saying "Hey, new girl!" before falling back to earth.
"Those trainers look like some tough competition..." Andy remarked with a bit of worry, "but I'll beat them, no problem!" Her edgy attitude had returned, and she started noticing some racers who looked "as if they couldn't last five minutes on their pathetic excuses for trained Pokemon!"
As she finished her sentence, she saw a young boy fall from the small, wiry "arms" of his Drifloon. He let out a fearful yelp.
"Oh, no! That boy's falling!" Andy mentally measured her distance from the falling youngster, and decided she couldn't reach him in time. She sighed in relief as she saw two Chansey catch the boy in a stretcher.
"It looks like our first trainer is out!" bellowed the man on the intercom. "How many will last it out?"
A streak of blue flashed in Andy's eye, and she saw Maxine and Dragonair ride beside her. They held an even pace. "Hey, Maxine... I'd have thought that you would be out of my sight by now! Isn't that what you always say, or is that just cowardly, hollow talking?"
With a superior tone, Maxine replied, "Yeah, right, rookie. Why would I have Dragonair waste its energy now, when I'll need it later? Once all of you pathetic losers fizzle out, Dragonair and I'll be there, zooming past you with tons of energy to spare. Now get out of my way, rookie!"
Andy shuddered in anger. "Ooh... Are simple-minded threats all you can throw at me?" she barked. "Back it up! Go, Vibrava!" She edged closer to Dragonair. Its long tail whipped toward Andy, threatening to throw her off Vibrava. She ducked with milliseconds to spare. "You can't do that! Cheater!"
"Anything's fair game, rookie..." Leaving Andy behind, simmering with rage, Maxine sped off.

...

"Team A, report..."
"This is Magnus A-1, Captain," a trainer riding a Nidoqueen replied into her headset. "Nidoqueen and I are positioned in the middle of the race. We've planted the Unown on many of the racers' Pokemon in this throng."
"Good. Team B?"
"Magnus B-1 reporting," answered a gruff-voiced man atop a Gallade. "We're placed in the front, and we've gotten most of the trainers. We missed a few though: Maxine and that new girl on the Vibrava are two of them."
"Just make sure no one discovers you. Team C?"
"Everything's going well. No problems."
"Excellent. Now, Team D," said the captain, "Are you in place yet?"
"Altaria!"
"Shh... I'm on Altaria, above the race. Is it time?"
"Yes... Release it."
The trainer on the Altaria drew a black Poke Ball from his belt. "Go, my friend!" A sleek-shaped figure appeared. It looked down and changed its shape into a more rounded shape, curling up its arms to look like a cannonball before falling to the race below.
"Remember, De... friend... Draw out near the ground and meet us at the first checkpoint. We'll see you soon..."
"Excellent. Captain Isabelle over and out."
"Go, Team Magnus!"

...

Andy and Vibrava had leveled out, closer to the ground. Andy watched a trainer and his Linoone slightly ahead of them. A trainer and her Nidoqueen charged by. Andy noticed her hand reach out next to Linoone, and a black figure had been attached to the Pokemon. She squinted to see a black letter M.
"What does the M mean?" she wondered to herself. Just as she looked again at the trainer, the M gave off a red glow. "Oh, no!" Andy screamed. "It's gonna..."
The sound was not very loud, but Andy could still hear the faint sound, like a miniature cannon going off. The red smoke cleared, and Andy saw the Linoone sprawled on the side of the road, its trainer laying not too far away. The M was gone. Andy looked back at the woman on her Nidoqueen, who looked toward the Linoone. A smile was on her face. "She did this... Hmm?"
On Andy's left side, a red and blue ball fell from the sky. She blinked in confusion, but when she regained her view, she only saw a figure zooming away. "Could it have been a Pokemon? Nah..." Andy said, puzzled. "Giddyup, Vibrava!"

((The story continues with Chapter 3 tomorrow. See if you can guess Team Magnus' plan. Also, is the spacing any better, Krispy? Thanks for reading!))

mewmaster
03-31-2008, 04:58 PM
wow that is great i cant wait for chapter 3 its made me think of writing a fan fic

Trombones13
03-31-2008, 05:00 PM
wow that is great i cant wait for chapter 3 its made me think of writing a fan fic
Wow. I'm glad I'm "inspirational." :lol: Thanks for the positive input, and feel free to criticize! Also, don't forget about Chapter 1 if you haven't read it yet.

mewmaster
03-31-2008, 05:04 PM
i have read it great as well oops i fell off my charizard in the race runs to keep up with charizard

Trombones13
03-31-2008, 07:16 PM
i have read it great as well oops i fell off my charizard in the race runs to keep up with charizard
Heh heh. Maybe you could make a cameo in the fourth chapter! :D

Krispy
04-01-2008, 04:43 PM
Ooh, interesting development!

Maxine is quite the, uh... competitor. I wonder if she sabotaged people in the previous two races.


Leaving Andy behind, simmering with rage, Maxine sped off.
It sounds a bit like Maxine is the one simmering with rage.

Also you have people referring to Andy as "new girl," though you said there are hundreds of competitors. I don't really think everyone would know all the new people out there, but that could just be me.

I dunno if it's really that effective to say "De... friend." Why would he have qualms about using its name?

There are a few other super-nitpicky things that I can elaborate on later, if you like. Looking forward to reading more. :)

mewmaster
04-01-2008, 04:44 PM
can i ask what a cameo is im english so i dont know

Trombones13
04-01-2008, 04:52 PM
Ooh, interesting development!

Maxine is quite the, uh... competitor. I wonder if she sabotaged people in the previous two races.


It sounds a bit like Maxine is the one simmering with rage.

Also you have people referring to Andy as "new girl," though you said there are hundreds of competitors. I don't really think everyone would know all the new people out there, but that could just be me.

I dunno if it's really that effective to say "De... friend." Why would he have qualms about using its name?

There are a few other super-nitpicky things that I can elaborate on later, if you like. Looking forward to reading more. :)
a) Andy was simmering with anger because she was mad at Maxine's snotty attitude.
b) The "new girl" thing's just for detail. I don't know why I put that; I wrote these 3 chapters a while back.
c) That was just to conceal Deoxys' identity from the readers. Secrets keep readers engaged, I think.
Feel free to nitpick! :)

can i ask what a cameo is im english so i dont know
A cameo is when someone makes a guest appearance. You'll see tonight when I post Chapter 4. I'm in the process of writing it now, and a trainer on a Charizard did make an appearance. It didn't end well, though...[/spoiler] :)

Krispy
04-01-2008, 06:21 PM
a) Andy was simmering with anger because she was mad at Maxine's snotty attitude.
b) The "new girl" thing's just for detail. I don't know why I put that; I wrote these 3 chapters a while back.
c) That was just to conceal Deoxys' identity from the readers. Secrets keep readers engaged, I think.
Feel free to nitpick! :)

a) Yes, I knew it was Andy who was mad, but the way the sentence is worded makes it seem like Maxine is mad. Apologies for my poor phrasing. ^^;

b) I can understand the detail thing; most people won't be looking that far into it anyway. Heh.

c) True, I just thought it was a bit awkward to start saying the name but change it. I would have just kept it at "friend," but your method works just fine. :)

Kk, I'll go over it more thoroughly later tonight, hopefully.

Trombones13
04-01-2008, 06:22 PM
a) Yes, I knew it was Andy who was mad, but the way the sentence is worded makes it seem like Maxine is mad. Apologies for my poor phrasing. ^^;

b) I can understand the detail thing; most people won't be looking that far into it anyway. Heh.

c) True, I just thought it was a bit awkward to start saying the name but change it. I would have just kept it at "friend," but your method works just fine. :)

Kk, I'll go over it more thoroughly later tonight, hopefully.
All right, thanks! I'll look forward to the nitpicking. :D

Krispy
04-03-2008, 06:57 PM
Andy noticed her hand reach out next to Linoone, and a black figure had been attached to the Pokemon. She squinted to see a black letter M.

You repeat "black," which is redundant. Also, in the first sentence you switch from active to passive voice. You could fix that by changing it to "Andy noticed her hand reach out next to Linoone, attaching a black figure to the Pokemon."

There's a lot of dialogue in the second part, but I wonder if some more description of the characters/setting wouldn't be amiss. Or even include something like "Static crackled over the headset as a commanding voice spoke." Along those lines. I imagine the trainer on the Nidoqueen as just hiding behind some trees and observing the racers go by as she says her line, even though "riding" could mean she is moving. So, more detail would be appreciated.


A sleek-shaped figure appeared.

Since "sleek" is already an adjective, you can take out "shaped," which would also remove the need to change "shape" in the next sentence.


The sound was not very loud, but Andy could still hear the faint sound, like a miniature cannon going off.

Once again, a repeated word. You could replace the second "sound" with "boom" or something similar. Or you could replace the first with "explosion."


The red smoke cleared, and Andy saw the Linoone sprawled on the side of the road, its trainer laying not too far away.

Should be "lying," since lay means "to place something down" and "lie" means "to recline."


That's about all.